I know, you didn’t mean to. But still I remember you said that when I refused to do the work you’ve assigned to me, that it was a mark of lack of respect. If not that I’ve shown no respect at all. I am not exactly sure the words but that was something close. To the best of my memory, I refused to do something, pretending it was not possible, the delay was way too short and no, I would not do it. It was pure laziness on my part. I was feeling that it was someone else’s fault to accept what seemed like an impossible task. I didn’t even wanted to try and give it my best shot. I just said no, I won’t do it. Damn I was cocky to say that to my chief. Or perhaps just young at heart. Few days later, the teams were shuffled, few weeks later, I got let go on a staff reduction reason.
I think you kind of apologized since you knew some other manager wouldn’t tolerate my attitude for long, or maybe that I just could not make it with the skills of the others. I never blamed you. Although I was an ass, I always had the balls to recognize that it was my own fault. If I did blame you, please forgive my selective memory.
In fact, I think I should more thank you for telling me why you pushed me aside, despite that we had a great time together on other tasks. I realized that I did the same with one of my previous job. Yup, I just stopped caring about the task at hand, hated the challenges, became lazy on my work. That it pretty much a pattern I had and repeated.
Lately, I had opportunities to shine, you know, hard work. short delay, big crunches to do and my first reaction was “fuck this shit”. I didn’t say a word but my inner self was very unhappy with the task assigned. It was too short, and very complicated and it felt impossible. Sounds familiar? I was getting ready to argue with the project manager and perhaps the client on the task/delay/requirements. Sounds familiar? And that’s when I had an epiphany. I saw clearly that I felt the same over the hard task under your command, that I also did at my previous job. I understood that if I reacted the same way I did, I’d probably end up the same way it did before; Fired or laid off on lame excuses.
So I made a choice. I’d bite the bullet and do the task to the best I can. It was rough breaking the cycle. Many time I felt that it was just wrong but I kept on, It was just a season and the season passes. There is a spring after every winter. And spring came with the annual performance review.
My manager was happy of how I progressed over the year, how I became a reliable and solid asset to the company and plenty of great things. It was an easy year review, thanks to you.
Still there are time when I get despicable tasks that I’d rather not do but then I think about what you said, then I reason myself, shut my big mouth and get the job done.
I know this was over five years ago but still, I feel it is appropriate to mention it, thanks Domi for getting me fired. It was a deserved slap in the face and it made me a better man.